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I don’t know what the hell I’m doing

23 Aug

I’m Hope..35..black..single…mother of two 14-year-old teenage monsters..born and raised in Baton Rouge, LA.  That’s the basics, the easy part I suppose.  The hard part..I have MG..diagnosed at 22.  I am completely government reliant which is scary in this economy.  I never wanted to be in this position but here I am.  I tried to do right..I studied in school..I did right until my American dreams became extremely real.  I flunked out of the University of Michigan which was my dream school..then I gave into the teenage frame of mind and started to party.  I couldn’t figure or analyze my way out of failure so I ran the streets trying to find myself and I found myself pregnant at 20.  Having twins at 21 kinda made me think about getting my life in order.  Those babies didn’t ask to be born into my mess.  Three years after their birth and a rare disease diagnosis later I did return to college.  I researched and investigated, what I do best, and got help from the first of many government programs.  I was able to attend community college with help from rehabilitation services and transferred to LSU.  I graduated August 2005 with a Bachelor of Science in Agricultural Business and a minor in Business Administration.  I left college with 75000 dollars of student loan debt..how dumb is that.  Less than a month after graduation Hurricane Katrina came through and changed a lot.  I think it was a sign of things to come and a warning from God to do better.  I was fortunate enough to become employed with the federal government in 2006 but the job was manual labor and MG doesn’t go well with manual labor and unstable working conditions.  Fortunately I escaped working for the federal government with my life but lost everything I had due to failing health, lack of support and piss poor stress management.  But I’m still here.  After being homeless for two years, temporarily losing my twins and being subjected to betrayal beyond belief I AM STILL HERE.  And even though I still deal with the same crap day in and day out I am thankful for what I have, what has been restored to me and what I am to become.  I am sure of only one thing that I am where I should be at this moment.  I know this because even though I get irritated, mad, sad, depressed, disgusted and tired I still get to smile.  Something I just learned to do in recent years.  Can you imagine living for so long and not smiling.  I am happy even though things don’t go my way and some people still treat me like crap I am happy.  This journey is mine and that’s the best thing ever.  I don’t know what the hell I’m doing but it’s cool cause I’m not suppose to know.

Princess Hope…Actually I feel like Princess Hopey today

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Posted by on August 23, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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