I rested today. It was a conscious choice. In the past it was not, it was a requirement. I actally cleaned my home. That felt really nice to be well enough to clean. I do not invite many into my space because if you have never had the physical limitations I have experienced you most likely will not understand.
You are perceived as lazy by people who could not survive five minutes in an autoimmune body. These people add shame to your life if you allow it. Shame is not your fault. Shame is when others attempt to make you feel bad about something you did not cause. This is why so many people suffer in silence because it is rare to come across someone who actually cares.
It is particularly difficult to deal with this emotionally because the ugly truth is that people by nature see what they want to see. The truth is often unpleasant and believing fairy tales is very popular. And then there is the guilt. Guilt is when you feel bad about things you have done or things you cannot.
In my over 17 years of autoimmunity I still feel bad that I have never taken a family portrait with my children. I feel guilty that I had poor stress management skills. Stress makes illness worse.
At this point I can only feel what I feel and pray I make a positive choice instead of a negative one. In the past I used alcohol to cope, I still smoke cigarettes. Of course there are other negative things like self-pity, negativity, isolation, bitterness and anger. Of course there are more. You fill in the blank.
Today I pray, meditate, journal, listen to music, read, go to church. Soon I will be able to exercise. I will make positive choices. My quality of life depends on it. What I do know is that I will continue on this journey to optimal health in an autoimmune body. I refuse to apologize or explain myself to people who do not add any value to my life.
Maybe you should consider doing the same. You do not have to stay stuck. Live. It is possible if you believe. I believe.
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