So it was this month last year that I decided to completely surrender. I couldn’t take one more second of misery. Drowning, dying slowly. I truly had given up ever feeling better. My Faith was there, it’s always been there. I’ve never been angry with God. Angry with myself and not wanting to bother Him with my problems because I was under this facade that I actually had control over something.
Ok so now what do I do. I still have an uncurable illness. I still have children. I have still have responsibilities. Externalizing my feelings never worked and internalizing them after giving up the wish that people actually cared. I remember that there are people that care. I remembered that miracles happen daily but sometimes we just can’t see them. It is much more natural to focus on tragedy, misery and negative experiences.
Negative thoughts lead to negative actions which is self-destruction. My life has not been a picnic but far from hopeless. Positive thoughts give us a positive outlook. How can you truly say you want better or more when you keep thinking, replaying, reliving all the things that tried to break you. Pleasure comes after pain, moms know this all too well. I think that way about everything right now. My children came into this world and despite the hand I was dealt I was and am still forced to improve my health, my life, my spirit, my soul, my relationships, my choices and my daily thoughts.