Ok this topic totally sucks and if certain folks read it they’ll be confused but who does not care is I. I guess I need to get my writing books back or steal my daughter’s because I could care less about being grammatically correct right now. I have no idea how this is going to come across so I want comments. You gotta get it out somehow, someway.
First I have a fear of men, man in general as well, or rather their actions. Hate the sin not the sinner because I’m a sinner too. So I never dated. Insecure, insecure, insecure. I was popular in school but never dated. I’m a Sagittarius so you have to tell me things straight out like a 4 year old or a 16 year old when it comes to the opposite sex. Now I’ll start by fully acknowledging that it is no one’s fault that I felt that way. No matter how many times I was teased by friends, family or strangers. Even though I was popular in school I was the fat girl. I thank God that he made me bold though. Weird I know.
But we’ll start from the time of diagnosis. Since I had lost a lot of weight in my late teens and had dropped out of college I kinda wilded out which led me to hanging out with the wrong crowd which got me pregnant at 20. Graves disease and Myasthenia gravis came at 21 and 22. Well there was a guy I met before and after I got pregnant. I was in and out of the hospital and my mom worked at night so he’d come over and we’d hang out. He’d bring me liquor and we’d just talk. Well that’s all I saw him as-a friend. Truth be told he was ugly to me, I had never thought about dating him or anyone else. Physically he was no comparison to the men I usually date. Yes I like to be physically attracted to someone. My problem is that I still can’t discern from when a guy is attractive on the inside or outside. I date an obviously attractive guy and he ends up being exactly what I feared, garbage. I see the signs and I don’t cut it off, I’m responsible for that. I’m not responsible for him being a jerk.
Well one day I was having a pity party about being sick. Remember I had just got a disease that I’d never heard of and that a lot of people have still never heard of, I was tripping. I have Graves disease and there is a history of alcoholism in my family so drinking was a stress reliever. I’m sure I drank more than your usual person even then but it was still casual at that point. I do remember some car naps at the club from overdoing it though and some uglier moments. My full blown alcoholism didn’t come until after 30. Well I’m tipsy, he’s coming to see me before he goes to the club and I start crying and then he kissed me.
I felt better. We decided to fall in love. I figured surely an ugly guy won’t hurt me. Now I knew he didn’t have a spiritual life, he’d never go to church with me but he was not a bad guy. No person is all bad. It was cool I guessed and he was there for me. He was with me sometimes in the hospital, he even babysat my son once when I was in the hospital. We were together for years and I started college and got on my feet. I started working, got a car, got an apartment and went back to college. My life was that of any other single, black college mom. There’s a lot of us.
He was in college too at the other big college in my city. I just kinda lived my life and I thought he was it but I wasn’t happy and I was the meanest girlfriend ever. Hello steroids and I’ve been mean all my life. There’s a million reasons for that. The thing that bothered me the most is that he was a year older than me yet he still was not as self-reliant, independent or self-sufficient as I. Now I have twins, two rare illnesses and I’m doing better than you. Now I’m resourceful so I used everything I qualified for to survive. Who wants to be a burden? So since that bothered me so much I should have paid attention to the things he did that annoyed the hell out of me and left. Did I do that of course not I stayed and remained aggravated, irritated and unhappy.
It ended pretty ugly. I laugh about it now because I have dodged many bullets. Why? Because God loves me and knows I’m an idiot when it comes to men. I did not do as he asked, I was not obedient. That’s my spiritual shortcoming I still have to work on. But let’s get to the real. Dating while chronically ill is no different. We get screwed over by the opposite sex, maybe more. Just like criminals pray on weak victims, some of the opposite sex pray on the weak. Whether you’re weak emotionally or physically and even mentally.
That is such an ugly thing in the world. Now because I haven’t experienced a great dating world or had a guy that I feel actually felt cared or understood my chronicness I know that there are good men out there. I’ve met them. There are men and women who love and support their mates fully and sincerely. There are marriages that actually pay attention to that in sickness and health thing they say at weddings. I think they still say that, it’s been so long since I’ve been to a wedding. I know some people getting married, hey I might even get invited. I got invited to a party recently and I so wanted to go but it’s gonna take longer than 7 months for me to become who I’m becoming. It took over 10 years to break me down so I’m good with that. This miracle has still happened faster than I ever though possible.
So since I still have this fear of men, it’s a full on manfast. You know what a manfast is. No men. I need to be in a relationship with me before I can be in a relationship with anyone else. I just pray I can continue to become the person I want to attract. It’s actually kinda cool if you let it. Hey I’m getting healthier, my head is clearer and I have a purpose. I have music, my kids, my home, my nephew. For me the best thing is the relationship I’ve been establishing with God. Now I will admit my flesh got in the way, my name is Hope not Perfect. All I know is that I feel better than I’ve ever felt. Are the kids perfect? Do I have everything I want? No. But if I have everything I need and if I just stay the course I know I will reap the rewards. I get to help others do the same. How cool is that?
I’ve never wanted anything more.
In Sickness and In Health I will do what I was put here to do. I’m gonna read now until I go to bed. I’m gonna grab my liter of water, light my oil burners. Lavender for sure. I gotta see if the Blood Orange helps with sleep. I have Peppermint too but that’s to wake up and I don’t want that. So I gonna do a couple more things and read into a slumber. I have a lot of reading and organizing to do.